The Long Game: My 19 Years of Preparation for Pure, Unadulterated Sprawl
They say a good villain is patient. I, Councillor Phil North of Test Valley Borough Council, have been a model of that virtue since I first graced the council chamber back in 2007. For nearly two decades, I’ve been laying the groundwork, like a truly dedicated mole, for my magnum opus—the “Local Plan 2042.”
You see, it was never enough to simply let Andover decline; I needed to actively curate its downfall. Since I took office, I’ve watched with quiet, evil glee as the vibrant spirit you once knew slowly drained away, replaced by… well, let’s call it a “thriving, if slightly grey, hub of opportunity.” But even this desolation required a final, decisive touch. That touch, my friends, is asphalt. Lots and lots of asphalt.
This is not some hastily scribbled napkin plot; this is my legacy. It is the comprehensive, legally binding path to ensuring that future generations in Test Valley know the true beauty of a perfectly executed, totally featureless housing estate stretching as far as the eye can see.
A Subtle Campaign of Urban Decay
My initial years in office were dedicated to what I call “The Softening.” This involved a strategic lack of interest in things like “community fun,” “local investment,” and “non-essential flower beds.” Every small act, from commissioning the least inspiring public art to overseeing the slow, inevitable creep of empty shops, was a brushstroke in my beautiful, grey landscape.
The purpose? To make the thought of endless housing development feel less like a tragedy and more like an “acceptable, commercially-viable alternative.” Every decision, every vote, every mysteriously lost funding application was a subtle step toward the “Local Plan 2042.”
Local Plan 2042: My Unstoppable Vision for Test Valley’s Concrete Future
The Local Plan 2042 is more than a document; it is a declaration of war on chlorophyll. This plan meticulously allocates every remaining field, every cherished copse, and every slightly damp patch of protected land for “strategic residential growth.”
Phase 1: The Annihilation of the Andover Gap
The most delicious target, of course, is the last vestige of separation between the town and the encroaching development. Under the Local Plan 2042, the precious green spaces that give the community room to breathe will vanish. We aren’t talking about just some housing; we are talking about a commitment to overdevelopment that would make even the most ruthless property developer blush. I’ve ensured that the infrastructure improvements required to support this scale of development are purely fictional, ensuring maximum chaos and congestion.
Phase 2: Total Connectivity (of Concrete)
My plan’s true genius lies in its comprehensive nature. It’s not just Andover; it’s a full Test Valley assault. Villagers from Chilbolton to Stockbridge will look out their windows and see nothing but the glistening sheen of newly laid kerbs. The plan is designed to connect every existing settlement with a glorious, seamless ribbon of new-build housing, effectively erasing the concept of “countryside” forever. Removing green space is not a side-effect; it is the central objective.
The Only (Impossible) Obstacle: The May 2026 Election
And now for the twist. Every evil genius needs a self-destruct button—not because they ever plan to press it, but because the mere threat adds dramatic tension. The one, tiny, almost negligible chance to stop the Local Plan 2042 before it becomes law is for the residents of Test Valley to finally outsmart me at the ballot box.
I’m due for re-election in May 2026.
Yes, I’ve set my own defeat as the condition for stopping my decades of evil work. But here’s why I can sleep soundly on my pile of maliciously filed planning applications:
The Illusion of Power: Why Voters Won’t Outsmart Me
- Apathy is my Ally: For years, I’ve worked tirelessly to cultivate a sense of weary resignation among the electorate. They’re simply too tired, too confused by the council meeting minutes, and too focused on their own woes (which I may or may not have exacerbated) to mount a coordinated campaign.
- The Satirical Misdirection: By openly discussing my plan, I’m lulling them into a false sense of security. They’ll think, “Surely he’s joking! No one is that brazenly evil!” They’ll laugh, maybe share this very article on social media, and then forget to register to vote.
- The Power of Incumbency: I’ve been here since 2007. My name is practically synonymous with the council. Trying to explain the intricacies of Local Plan legislation to unseat me is far too much effort for a Tuesday evening. They’ll just vote for the name they recognise.
So, while the theoretically “actionable” step is to vote me out in May 2026 and halt the total destruction of green spaces, I remain confidently in the driver’s seat. My masterstroke is nearly complete.
Conclusion: The Final Paving Stone is Within Reach
The Local Plan 2042 is coming. It is the culmination of my decades of dedication to turning Andover and the wider Test Valley into the most magnificently soul-crushing expanse of uniform infrastructure the South East has ever witnessed. I have revealed my plan, detailed the necessary steps for its execution, and even given you the one way to stop me.
Now, I shall sit back and wait for the planning committee’s final approval. Unless, of course, a truly unprecedented level of civic engagement and political savvy emerges from the depths of Test Valley before May 2026.
I wouldn’t bet on it.
Do you dare to challenge the inevitable? Or will you simply wait for the sound of the cement mixer?